journal excerpt (dec 21, 2022)

by Anna Renee Gutrich

i stayed over at [A Friend]’s last night like when we were little kids – her words, not mine. she got into bed & laughed, “like when we were little, having a sleepover.” i laughed because she laughed, said “that’s exactly what we’re doing.” she said “we’re not little anymore.” because we’re not little anymore, we talk about Big things. (big is the opposite of little.) we talked about being in Love. it may be the Biggest thing there is. it must be!

she’s in Love. she told him 22 days after they met, staring at the ceiling while on molly. i might have judged that a year ago, but not now. (not now.) Love is different everywhere & all people are different people, which means all Love is different Love.

i was using her different Love to try to understand mine. (before, i’d been using howl’s moving castle) i asked her how she knew, & she said “when i got the urge to say it.” &, oh, i’ve had the urge to say it so deep & guttural & instinctual long before we had this conversation. but i’m a definitions girl. & what i’ve learned is that Love is undefinable. (infuriating!)

everyone holds it differently. &, as a result, it leaks onto everyone differently. the way i hold it is going to be as weird as me, & it’s going to drip all over my clothes in a pattern that’s never been seen before. it makes me worry sometimes that i won’t recognize it. or, maybe even worse, recognize it wrong.

i wish there was a clear definition of Love sometimes but i think it’s right that there isn’t. then Love would be too simple, too streamlined– someone would find a way to commercialize it. it would be wrong if it were simple. i believe that. but it doesn’t make it any less yucky to imagine thinking you’re in Love & being wrong.

maybe that’s it, right? when you think you’re in Love, you are.

i word-vomited that on [A Friend}’s bed. she cleaned it up by saying, “list. make a list. every time you get the urge to say it.”

When I Thought I Knew (list, comprehensive)

when he fixed my necklace clasps without me asking.

watching coraline.

when he was laughing in my car after baskin-robbins.

Wing Night.

watching love actually when he said he’d run through an airport for me.

ice skating.

shoving popcorn into my mouth when i refused to have any because he hates mouth-noises.

phonecall december 22nd, 2021.

when he fell asleep on me driving back to walla walla.

the list is very short. this is because i told him three hours after he fell asleep on me.

when you think you’re in Love, you are.