Horrific Date Movies
by Gabriel Blank
The idea of the movie date is one that seems to have itself latched onto our cultural consciousness, something that I find a little odd. I mean, you go into a dark room where you’re not facing the other person, spending your attention on something that isn’t your date, and in fact it’s taboo to even talk to them during this time. Still, it’s an activity that has persisted, one that many have experience with, for better or worse. Needless to say, the movie one picks is a pretty important factor; there’s good date movies and bad ones. These are some of the bad ones, from my personal experience.
Suicide Squad (2016): A movie bland enough that anything else becomes bland by association. How are you even supposed to remember you’re on a date during something so boring. Except for the presence of Jared Leto that is. I mean, there’s no real way to compete with that sort of screen presence. The sort of magnetism you can only get from being a cult leader and sending dead rats to people. Oh well, we can’t all be Jared.
He Named Me Malala (2015): I don’t wanna talk about it.
Blade Runner 2049 (2017): I like going on movie dates with my mom. It’s nice. We had a nice time. However, Jared Leto showed up in the movie. Still, a nice time.
Avengers: Endgame (2019): From the era when I was still trying to convince myself that I was a Marvel fan. I showed up without a date on a weekend matinee. My date ended up appearing some minutes after the film began. Well, he wasn’t my date, but given that it was just the two of us alone at the show I figure we wan call it a date. He sat two rows behind me, and after about half an hour or so he was fast asleep. His snores rocked the theater, loud enough to fill the cavernous space and more. They persisted for the next two hours of the film, so that by the end I knew his snore better than that of my own dog. It was a real prolonged “what am I doing here” moment for me, and as I shuffled out I resolved never to go watch superhero movies alone again. I never saw his face.
Austin Powers in Goldmember (2003): The night was going great, but we threw this on pretty late, and my brain was a bit cloudy already. Sunrise is just a couple hours away by the time it’s over. The next morning, bleary eyed, I checked my phone. In a moment of disbelief I see that the date is not Tuesday like I had thought, but Wednesday, the day of my exam, the exam that had in fact started some minutes ago, in a room that was over 15 minutes away by foot. Any positive impressions were quickly supplanted by horror and panic, and for this I blame Mike Myers personally.
House of Gucci (2021): What can I say? You meet a girl, things are going fine. She starts talking about Ridley Scott’s three hour saga about the Gucci family starring Lady Gaga and Adam Driver. It’s getting close to midnight by that point, and it turns out she actually wants to WATCH said three hour saga about the Gucci family. The movie’s fine, the tone’s a bit weird, but it’s alright. And then, suddenly, like a monstrous abomination, is Jared Leto. He’s made-up, he’s balding, he’s got a fat suit on. Most of all, he’s Italian. It was excruciating, impossible to watch, impossible to look away. I was transfixed, all amorous intentions completely done away with.
Scooby-Doo (2002): So there was this girl, and we seemed to hit it off alright. No problem so far. There’s a hitch though. She’s really into the 2002 Scooby-Doo. Like, really into it. We’re talking making in-depth video essays, trying to go to another state to stay in the mystery van airbnb levels. Me, on the other hand, I got a migraine the first time I tried watching this flick. Some impasses can’t be overcome, some differences are irreconcilable. Who knows, in another life, maybe we would have really liked just watching Scooby-Doo (2002) together. I hope she’s alright, somewhere out there in the world
Morbius: Jared Leto.
Anyways, those are just some of the bad movie date experiences from my own past. Doubtless there will be more, and doubtless many of you have your own, each bizarre in its own special way.
Suicide Squad (2016): A movie bland enough that anything else becomes bland by association. How are you even supposed to remember you’re on a date during something so boring. Except for the presence of Jared Leto that is. I mean, there’s no real way to compete with that sort of screen presence. The sort of magnetism you can only get from being a cult leader and sending dead rats to people. Oh well, we can’t all be Jared.
He Named Me Malala (2015): I don’t wanna talk about it.
Blade Runner 2049 (2017): I like going on movie dates with my mom. It’s nice. We had a nice time. However, Jared Leto showed up in the movie. Still, a nice time.
Avengers: Endgame (2019): From the era when I was still trying to convince myself that I was a Marvel fan. I showed up without a date on a weekend matinee. My date ended up appearing some minutes after the film began. Well, he wasn’t my date, but given that it was just the two of us alone at the show I figure we wan call it a date. He sat two rows behind me, and after about half an hour or so he was fast asleep. His snores rocked the theater, loud enough to fill the cavernous space and more. They persisted for the next two hours of the film, so that by the end I knew his snore better than that of my own dog. It was a real prolonged “what am I doing here” moment for me, and as I shuffled out I resolved never to go watch superhero movies alone again. I never saw his face.
Austin Powers in Goldmember (2003): The night was going great, but we threw this on pretty late, and my brain was a bit cloudy already. Sunrise is just a couple hours away by the time it’s over. The next morning, bleary eyed, I checked my phone. In a moment of disbelief I see that the date is not Tuesday like I had thought, but Wednesday, the day of my exam, the exam that had in fact started some minutes ago, in a room that was over 15 minutes away by foot. Any positive impressions were quickly supplanted by horror and panic, and for this I blame Mike Myers personally.
House of Gucci (2021): What can I say? You meet a girl, things are going fine. She starts talking about Ridley Scott’s three hour saga about the Gucci family starring Lady Gaga and Adam Driver. It’s getting close to midnight by that point, and it turns out she actually wants to WATCH said three hour saga about the Gucci family. The movie’s fine, the tone’s a bit weird, but it’s alright. And then, suddenly, like a monstrous abomination, is Jared Leto. He’s made-up, he’s balding, he’s got a fat suit on. Most of all, he’s Italian. It was excruciating, impossible to watch, impossible to look away. I was transfixed, all amorous intentions completely done away with.
Scooby-Doo (2002): So there was this girl, and we seemed to hit it off alright. No problem so far. There’s a hitch though. She’s really into the 2002 Scooby-Doo. Like, really into it. We’re talking making in-depth video essays, trying to go to another state to stay in the mystery van airbnb levels. Me, on the other hand, I got a migraine the first time I tried watching this flick. Some impasses can’t be overcome, some differences are irreconcilable. Who knows, in another life, maybe we would have really liked just watching Scooby-Doo (2002) together. I hope she’s alright, somewhere out there in the world
Morbius: Jared Leto.
Anyways, those are just some of the bad movie date experiences from my own past. Doubtless there will be more, and doubtless many of you have your own, each bizarre in its own special way.
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